Brotherly Love?

So I'm currently sitting in the lobby of my hotel in Philadelphia. The city of Brotherly Love. But really? How brotherly or loving is it?

According to this guy I met on a boat ride in NYC, the murder rate from January to March of this year was higher than all of NYC last year. Do you know how insane that is? Of course, I don't know if this is actually true. it's all hearsay, but even if it was only partially correct, that still is crazy to think about.

I'm a rather hard core Catholic. I'm not gonna lie. And while I don't agree with everything the Catholic Church or the Pope has to say, I do believe in a lot of it. Like that we must treat our neighbors as ourselves. Basically to practice brotherly love.

In today's society though it's so hard to believe in brotherly love. With the number of teen deaths by shootings this year in Chicago going up the wazoo (this I know is true. I used to know the exact number, but from the beginning of the last school year (this past September) until the end, (This June) the numbers were higher than usual), with the war in Iraq and Afghanistan only growing, how could anyone possibly believe that there are good people in the world who really do believe in brotherly love.

But I suppose that's what faith is all about. Believing in the impossible. And hoping that everything will turn out alright.

Private Conversation

I'm crazy about this boy.

But based upon previous encounters, I don't think he realizes it. I didn't even realize it until something strange happened. I cancelled plans with another guy so I could hang out with him. Apparently he doesn't see the significance in this, but I do. Usually I cancel plans with this boy for other people. I'll tell him that I'm busy, or that my parents said I couldn't go. And instead I'll go out with someone else.

It doesn't help matters that I spent an hour last night crying and eating $5 worth of chocolate because of a third boy. One that I thought I was completely over, but I guess finding out that he was going out with my best friend (again) just kind of hurt. This third boy and I were kind of in limbo. We weren't together, but we weren't NOT together, if that makes any sense. I technically wasn't allowed to see him, but was willing to look past that and defy my parents wishes.

At the beginning of the summer we were really close. And then I guess that between him going out of town and us not really ever seeing each other or talking, he moved on. It would have been nice to know this though. Because then maybe I could have started moving on as well. But I didn't know. And so when I found out that he was hanging out with my best friend, I thought nothing of it. They're good friends. They should be allowed to hang out. Besides I had no claims on him. Apparently on this non-date. He kissed her. I didn't care. I really didn't.

But then I found out they were going out again. He made plans with her right after he came home from a vacation, but he didn't even tell me he was home. I guess I felt betrayed. And oh my gosh did it hurt. I didn't blame my friend. I didn't even really blame him. How could I? I had no claims. But it surprised me. It caught me off guard. And the hurt I felt through me for a loop.

About a half and hour into my crying/chocolate fest, I realized how stupid it was for me to be upset. And that really, I wasn't. And I'm not. Ok. I'm upset. But not because he went out with her. But because he didn't have the decency to tell me that we were through. And don't think I made this clear to guy number one. Because he got pissed at me. I think he thought that I still had feelings for guy number three. And maybe I kind of do. But they're not the same feelings that I had in the past. I have a soft spot for him, yes, but that's because we've been through so much together. We've had this thing that's been going on since February and has gone on until today. Now we are strictly friends. And I think that's a really good thing.

Now I guess I just have to go and explain all this to the guy I'm crazy about. And hope he doesn't get pissed at me. Even though I'm sure he will. I'm going to tell him that I'm giving up every guy that I could have for him, but he'll find some way to get pissed at me.

Oh Merlin. What the bloody hell am I going to do?

I am

So I went to see my college counselor for the first time today, and she asked me a very peculiar question: "If your friends were to describe you to someone, what would they say?" And I had no idea how to answer her. Maybe I was looking for the perfect all-encompassing answer that is not present, but I just couldn't answer. So then she said: "Well, just think about it. Who are you?"

So that got me thinking. Who am I? It should be a relatively easy question to answer, and at first it is.

I am a girl.
I am 17.
I am a Mexican-German American.
I am a lover of cats and dogs and most things furry.
I am an avid reader.
I am a Jane Austin and Harry Potter fanatic.
I am a Chicagoan.
I am a Berwynite.
I am the product of some southern upbringing.
I am a barefoot walker.
I am a girl.
I am a lover, not a fighter.
I am compassionate.
I am sarcastic.
I am a brunette.
I am tan.
I am sitting down.
I am a piano player.
I am a singer.
I am a sometimes diver and a sometimes swimmer.
I am without a driver's licence.

Is that enough? Is that who I am? I don't know. I can probably go on for hours listing what I am, but where will that get me? Will it make me realize the potential I have? Will it make me feel better? I don't know. I don't think so. Maybe it will. Maybe that's why she wants me to think about it. I guess if I have to sell myself to a college, make them WANT me, I have to know why. I have to know who I am before I can go out into the world and try to make something of myself. I guess this all makes sense now.

If I am all of these things, then who are you?

Cold Coffee

So this morning, as I was perusing through blogs when I should probably be studying for finals, I somehow sat around long enough to let my coffee get cold. There wasn't a lot left in the cup, but it really bothered me.

Coffee is my pride and joy. I can make a mean cup o'jo. I like it simple, a little bit of cream, a little bit of sugar, none of this "Skinny, vanilla latte with three pumps instead of four, extra hot with extra maple syrup" nonsense. For me, despite how many times I've been in there, going to a Starbucks is like stepping into another world. A world where they speak a language that I could never understand. I hate making a scene, and I hate being a bother, so I would never actually ask what's in my coffee and how I can make it better to suit my own personal taste. Plus it's always so busy in there that there's no way I could actually do that.

The other reason my coffee went cold?

No, it's not that I'm sitting in my dad's cool (as in the temperature) office that used to be a porch, but is now closed in with no insulation and a giant picture window. It's because of my mom. I swear to god, that woman drives me insane. Yes, I love her to death, and I totally would dive in front of a bullet to save her just as she would do for me, but I can never just have a normal conversation with her without it turning into a lecture. Usually those lectures are about my bad behavior, or lack of work ethic, or my spending habits. But no matter what, she somehow never fails to turn a good moment in my day into a horrible one. And it's not even that she's mad at me, or lecturing me, it's that she's disappointed in me. Which is the worst thing in the world. I can handle her being mad; I can handle us not talking; I can handle a lot of things when it comes to her, but I've never, ever been able to handle her disappointment. It just makes me feel like such a horrible person. Like no matter what I do, it's never enough. And that doesn't help a teenage girl's self esteem. Mine is low enough as it is without her harping on me.

She's probably right. My life would be a hell of a lot easier if I just did what she told me to do. And I do try. On a daily basis I do try to do what she has told me to do in the past. But all I want to do is forget about her constant lecturing. So it all goes out the window. It doesn't help that I have horrible short term memory.

And I HATE asking her or my dad for anything. So instead I'll wait until the last minute when it's an even bigger inconvenience. But I don't think they realize, that really? I know all along that I said I would bring in bagels for the last day of classes, but instead of asking at four when it would have been a minor inconvenience for multiple people, I wait until nine when it's a major inconvenience for only one person. Everything I do, is based upon what I think my parents' reaction will be. Sometimes I get it right, sometimes I get it wrong.

They wonder why I am the way that I am. I don't think they realize, that I am this way because of them. There are no other explanations. Yes, I am my own person, but they influence me more then they will ever realize.

The Rain

So I randomly ran out in the rain today. There was a serious storm here in sunny Berwyn. One of epic proportions. It was like movie rain, coming straight down. Big huge rain drops. It lasted about twenty or so minutes, and now it's nice and clear out.

I never really do anything crazy, so when I decided to call up my best friend to see if she wanted to run out in the rain with me via phone, I thought I was going insane. That's something she'd call me to do. But strangely, she didn't even answer her phone.

So I called another friend. One who... we have a very strange relationship to say the least. So I called him, while he was waiting for a train home. I ran out in the rain with him on the other end, and we had a great conversation. We haven't actually been able to talk for awhile, so it was nice.

But that's not the point of all of this. The rain. It really is one of the coolest parts of nature. I still don't quite know how it works. How does all that moisture stay up in the clouds for so long. And how does it decided that it's too full and needs to let go of some of the moisture. And what about lightning? and thunder!? (Which I know is really just a byproduct of the lighting, I'm not that stupid.)

And what are clouds anyway? Sure, on a nice day they look all puffy and soft like your favorite pillow, but I know that they have no substance, and I could fall straight through it. I've always wanted to sit up on a cloud. You know, like the do in silly children's TV shows? I remember watching Dragon Tales with my brother when he was little, and always marveling at how the kids used to sit up in those clouds, never once falling through.

The rain, I think, is kind of like a good cry. You have all this stuff built up around you, and suddenly you just let it all go. You just let everything out. And then, once the tears stop, and your breathing returns to normal, you get this intense wave of calm that washes over you. Like nothing can go wrong.

I think the same goes for nature and the rain. All this pressure builds up just before a good storm, and when the rain finally pours down, it leave nature and the world around us feeling much calmer than before.

Dreams

So I've really been thinking about the power of dreams lately. I don't have dreams frequently, but when I do, I take them to heart, and I usually love them. Mainly because I hardly ever have them.

Last night, I had approximately three dreams. I think, but only one really stands out. Or maybe that one is the combination of all three? I don't know. Who does?

Anyways, so I had this dream right? And in it, was an ex-boyfriend (we'll call him Jack), and ex-fling (Tony) , and the guy that I still wish something would happen with (Riley). Get this though, they're all best friends. It was the strangest thing ever though. In my dream, I woke up and went downstairs, and all of them were sitting in my back room, and my mom was making breakfast and tea for them. The bazaar part? My mom hates Tony.

Now, up until about a week ago, I had a HUGE shot at having something happen with Riley, who I've been half in love with (maybe not really, but that's the best way to describe it) for the past school year. Last weekend, I was supposed to hang out with him, my best friend, and his best friend, who happens to be Tony. The point of all of us hanging out though, was so that something could happen between Riley and I. But by the end of the night, it was as though Tony and I were supposed to be together. Which normally I wouldn't have cared about, but looking back on it, I hated. I really really really wanted something to happen between me and Riley.

Gosh, I'm such a girl. I know I'm totally blowing this all out of proportion, but I don't know what else to do. Anyways, so on like Monday when I saw Riley, he said he was done. That because Tony liked me and stuff that nothing was ever going to happen, etc. And gosh did that hurt. Because on the car ride home with my best friend, I realized that really? I didn't like Tony anymore, and that really? I wanted to be with Riley in any way, shape, or form. Even if that meant not really having a relationship, but more of a fling type thing going.

Part of me wants to think that he still wants to be with me too. But because of his loyalty to his friend, that will never happen. And at this point, I'm trying to rack my brain with ways that I can get him back. But I don't know how to.

How does this all relate to the dream, you ask? Well, until early this morning, I had basically given up on anything happening with Riley. I was indifferent to him and the whole situation, but now? Now I realize that I don't care what he says, I'm still gonna try my hardest to get him and to get Tony to understand that I don't want to be with Tony anymore (despite the fact that in the past week I have told him that like three times. I have serious issues, I know.) and that really I want to be with Riley. Now it's just a matter of trying to figure out how to do that.

Facebook Official

Until today, I was listed as "Married" to one of my good friends. It was a joke that started when one of his best friends, and my ex-boyfriend actually, thought there was something going on between us. We decided to mess with him and kinda play it up a little. (In reality, the boy is like my brother. Which made the entire situation kinda wierd. Except, I totally would marry him if I had to make a spur of the moment decision. I could live with him the rest of my life and be totally content, perhaps even happy.)

Anyway, so he got rid of the 'status' section on his facebook with in the past few days, leaving me as just being "Married" basically, to no one. Normally, this wouldn't bother me, and to tell you the truth, it doesn't. It was just strange. I've been so used to having it there that it was wierd to suddenly look at my page to find that I was no longer married to a person, but just married in general.

It made me wonder about what facebook really does to relationships. When my friend and I first "married" via facebook, a lot of people actually asked me if there was something going on between the two of us. Which to me was quite absurd. But I suppose that to them, it wasn't. There are so many actual couples on facebook that are listed as "Engaged" or "Married" even though they are like 16 years-old.

It also made me ponder the phrase, "Facebook official." It seems like so many things are really, real until they're on facebook. Relationships aren't completely valid until you're listed as "in a relationship" on facebook. But really, what difference does it make to other people if you're in a relationship? Perhaps it makes finding a person to ask out easier. If they're listed as "in a relationship," you know not to go for them. But why does everyone need to know when you've ended your relationship?

So what do you think? Are you facebook official?