Private Conversation

I'm crazy about this boy.

But based upon previous encounters, I don't think he realizes it. I didn't even realize it until something strange happened. I cancelled plans with another guy so I could hang out with him. Apparently he doesn't see the significance in this, but I do. Usually I cancel plans with this boy for other people. I'll tell him that I'm busy, or that my parents said I couldn't go. And instead I'll go out with someone else.

It doesn't help matters that I spent an hour last night crying and eating $5 worth of chocolate because of a third boy. One that I thought I was completely over, but I guess finding out that he was going out with my best friend (again) just kind of hurt. This third boy and I were kind of in limbo. We weren't together, but we weren't NOT together, if that makes any sense. I technically wasn't allowed to see him, but was willing to look past that and defy my parents wishes.

At the beginning of the summer we were really close. And then I guess that between him going out of town and us not really ever seeing each other or talking, he moved on. It would have been nice to know this though. Because then maybe I could have started moving on as well. But I didn't know. And so when I found out that he was hanging out with my best friend, I thought nothing of it. They're good friends. They should be allowed to hang out. Besides I had no claims on him. Apparently on this non-date. He kissed her. I didn't care. I really didn't.

But then I found out they were going out again. He made plans with her right after he came home from a vacation, but he didn't even tell me he was home. I guess I felt betrayed. And oh my gosh did it hurt. I didn't blame my friend. I didn't even really blame him. How could I? I had no claims. But it surprised me. It caught me off guard. And the hurt I felt through me for a loop.

About a half and hour into my crying/chocolate fest, I realized how stupid it was for me to be upset. And that really, I wasn't. And I'm not. Ok. I'm upset. But not because he went out with her. But because he didn't have the decency to tell me that we were through. And don't think I made this clear to guy number one. Because he got pissed at me. I think he thought that I still had feelings for guy number three. And maybe I kind of do. But they're not the same feelings that I had in the past. I have a soft spot for him, yes, but that's because we've been through so much together. We've had this thing that's been going on since February and has gone on until today. Now we are strictly friends. And I think that's a really good thing.

Now I guess I just have to go and explain all this to the guy I'm crazy about. And hope he doesn't get pissed at me. Even though I'm sure he will. I'm going to tell him that I'm giving up every guy that I could have for him, but he'll find some way to get pissed at me.

Oh Merlin. What the bloody hell am I going to do?