The Crushing of a Dream

So I found out today that apparently I'm not allowed to go to Jr. Prom.

This is a horrible, horrible thing.
I was really looking forward to it.

And really, I think the reasoning for me not being allowed to go to prom is pretty stupid. I already paid my punishment. This is like being in jail, finishing your sentence, and then being sent back a year into your freedom for the crime you were already in jail for.

Basically it goes like this:

I came home an hour late after the last school dance, Turnabout, in late January. I was grounded for like two weeks, and then my mom decided that because of that, and the events that ensued on Valentines day (see The Puppy), I would not be able to date my date. (Ha. that sounds funny.) She said I could not date the guy I went to the dance with.

So basically I've been twice punished already. 1) I was grounded, 2) I can't go out with the guy.

I will admit that it is mostly my own fault for arriving home late after Turnabout. I insisted on going out, but he didn't persist. (Not that I would have expected him too.)

Anyways, after that my mom might have said something about me not being allowed to go to Jr. Prom. But that was a long time ago. And I didn't think she was actually being serious. Serious enough that she would enforce stricter rules, but not serious enough to actually not let me go.

The saddest part about this is that the guy I want to go with... the guy with whom I will be going with if I can negotiate my way out of this... she loves! The guy reminds my dad of his best friend, and my mom loves him. How could she possibly think that what happened at Turnabout would happen again?

Although I should admit that part of me is not entirely content with my date. He's like my best friend. And I definitely have feelings for him. The fluttering of my heart whenever I'm near him should be enough proof. But it's hard for me to see the two of us actually being together. He can be a rather awkward person at times, and this makes it difficult for me to visualize the... more physical aspects of a relationship. Plus he's been my best friend for so long, that part of me sees him as a brother. (Mind you that's a small piece.) On top of that, I definitely have feelings for another guy.

It's very difficult for me to explain why. We sort of have a love/hate relationship. More in the sense that there are days that I love him and days that I hate him. I don't think he likes me beyond the physical though. I mean, I believe that he genuinely thinks of me as a friend, and he likes the fact that I'm intelligent and don't put up with his crap, but I don't think he has feelings for me beyond that of a friend. He once told me that I was the only girl he could actually be himself around. And I thought that it was some momentous thing. Apparently it wasn't though because it amounted to nothing. I really believe that he is a lost cause when it comes to a relationship in any way, shape, or form, but it's nice to think about. And I really do like him, despite the fact that I know it's detrimental to my mental health.

Basically, the whole point of this very journal like post is that... although I have a date to jr. prom, a dance I probably will NOT be going to, and although I adore my date emensely, part of me will always want to go with a different guy. And I don't know how to get over that.